The erratic in me ...?

One day I get a good morning mail reading - "A good relation doesn't depend on how good understandings we've but how better we can avoid misunderstandings." and my memories goes back to the days when I lost(perhaps??) many good relations, which I could've cherished much better due to my uncompromising behavior when an misunderstanding came in the way and most recently the compassion, love and care of our very good sisters(For whom I care too much!). Did I really loose the good relations?- I don't feel so, I only changed the way how I was cherishing it. May I became a bit matured! May be I don't need lap of Mamma any more to feel her love for me. Does this any diminish my love and care to any one?

When the misunderstanding arose and so called the erratic in me started appearing in me, I've been wished with many sorries and explanations but in spite of getting convinced that everything is now smooth, the erratic in refused to disappear(I may look for why?). And the obvious questions that was frequently asked by the sisters to me that did I get hurt due to any their act? Did I? Did anyone? A simple answer can be - did Papa get hurt when I couldn't fulfill his expectations at any moment of time?

Ultimately everything boils down to expectations. Exceptions here means, expectation that our relations have reached up to the level to be compared with any blood-relation, that they can fight, quarrel or even beat me if they don't agree with me at some point, expectation that I'll never hurt them.

BTW, how to get rid of these expectations? and I choose the way, which may called the escapist way. Perhaps, this is the best way for the kind of persons as me. Let your emotions give a different direction - the direction which every enlightened person including our Gurudev suggests- get rid of Moha as you break the thread! Well, it doesn't mean to abandon every relationship but to come out of relational complexity, doesn't get attached to one particular face or body but to get attached to beautiful conciousness which is equally present in every creature, doesn't let anybody cry including you due to various expectations but take a path going through min expectations and can make most of them smile, to make all the relations smooth rather than zig-zag, to learn the way to accept people in their way and if possible learn and teach better ways to live. But Is it so simple? - perhaps no, perhaps very difficult, perhaps next to impossible - my mann says.

And, then my soul interrupts - 'did u born to do only simple things? You cry when you find you can't meet the expectations of your sisters or say, vice versa? Doesn't your eyes gets wet, when you see thousands of your brothers and sisters are crying with much difficult problems? Didn't they expect anything from you?'

And, hence I find why my erratic refuse to disappear. Once a relation gets taste of complexities- the cries, the sorries, the formalities - come out of it easily without hurting anyone or else you'll be trapped. But In the way, you loose the many opportunities to have experience and learn learn from these souls, you loose to see your friends to their emotional best, you make an image to have a personality with erratic behavior and quite unemotional, you loose the love and care you would've been if you continued to go on the same way with few tears and smiles but that is the price you pay right when you decide that that you've to play a role , which may need sacrifice at every step. Perhaps here I begin to understand..........